Messy Motherhood, Uncategorized

The Month Of May

April showers did not bring May flowers, for me at least (you guys know I like to be a little extra.) My depression reared its ugly head, again, and honestly the whole month was kind of blur. It’s very strange, I’m realizing that it comes and goes, almost like the ocean tide. I’ll feel ok for weeks and then BAM it comes back and knocks me on my butt. I am thankful that this time I was able to recognize my feelings and what was going on a lot sooner than before, and for me I’ll consider that a step in the right direction.

I’ve been doing everything my doctor has recommend but I have to admit that at times I still feel defeated. Right now I’m feeling ok, which is probably why I’m writing this post. My head feels clear, I’m in an OK space and I have the energy to write it and focus on what I want to say. But up until a few days ago that wasn’t the case. I would say a good 3 weeks or so of May were spent with that dark cloud hanging over me.

I had a talk with my husband about going on medication but I’m still not sure if I’m comfortable with it. I don’t know if it’s worth it to go on anything when the depression seems to be coming and going. However, when I do feel crappy and my depression is in full swing, it takes so much out of me, and everything just seems so hard and overwhelming, but over all I feel bad for the people closest to me.

This all started when we had to close our family business, I felt out of control and I still do. My whole life I’ve worked, and I don’t think I realized how much I enjoyed working until after I stopped working. I’m a mom, I stay home with my kids and although they aren’t in control of me in any way, they kind of are, so to speak. For example, when I leave the house or when I need to get home all revolves around their nap times or lunch times. My husband makes the money and I’m at home with the kids, not making money, and I think I kind of miss that. I never in a million years thought that I would be saying this but here I am.

I miss having something that is just for me. I miss having a little variety in my day. I’m fine with the simple life but I miss feeling content. I never graduated college, so the chances of me finding a decent job where it would be worth it to put my kids in day-care and not just be breaking even, would be so slim (can literally hear my mom saying told ya…ugh).

That’s part of the reason I started blogging and recently started vlogging, because it’s something for me. I love talking about motherhood and what I’m experiencing in regards to parenting and life in general, and consider myself an open book. But what I love even more about sharing is the response I get. I’ve been very fortunate to be met with words of understanding and encouragement, not only by friends and family but internet strangers as well, and it helps me so much. ** If you wanted to follow our journey on YouTube you can click {{ HERE }} to subscribe. **

I’m also realizing that as shitty as my depression is, it’s also opening my eye’s and making me a more empathetic person. It’s provided me healthy habits when it comes to psychical fitness. For the first time in my life I’m not working out to look a certain way, or to be skinny (although those are added benefits for sure), and that’s a really good feeling.

As strange as it sounds my depression is teaching me a lot about being thankful, grateful and appreciative. I’m finding the good in the bad. Recently I’ve started taking mental note’s of every time I laugh during the day, or clean, or work out or just feel happy in general, and at the end of the day I reflect on it. All those little moments add up and would other wise go unnoticed had I not taken the time to allow myself to acknowledge them. I never give myself enough credit for all the good I do, even when it seems near impossible.

I want to apologize for taking a month off and I don’t want to do that again. I’m going to make it a point to write when I’m feeling my worst because small feats are still victories.

Thank you for reading & I hope you are all doing well! And if you ever need someone to talk to dont hesistate to reach out, becuase I could probably use it as well ♥

Love,

Amanda

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