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Trying To Understand God

So something happened earlier today that I just need to talk about. The subject of this post can be a little hard so I’ll forewarn you now and give you the gist of what happened. A mother that I follow on Instagram lost her baby girl a month ago. I believe she was 7 months when she passed away. I don’t know the details of exactly what happened, and I don’t need to.

Every day this mother posts scriptures or bible verses on her Instagram story and I always, almost everyday, go to message her but for some reason I stop. Deep down I just know that nothing I say will take away her pain. In a way I am intimidated by the severity of her situation and her emotions. What can you possibly say, as a mother – to another mother – who lost their baby?

But today I built up the courage and messaged her. She was just talking on her stories about her beautiful baby girl and the greif that she is feeling, which she almost never does (actually talking with the phone pointed at her). Like I said, usually she will share a bible verse or something along those lines. Actually seeing someone in that type of pain is so heartbreaking. I always do my best to reach out to people when they are struggling and I couldn’t not say something becuase that’s just who I am.

The conversation started out well. I just told her how sorry I was and told her how I’ve been wanting to reach out to her for a while but I know that nothing I say would really matter but I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her. I explained to her that if she ever needed someone to talk to that I would always be here and I would listen to her without judgment.

And then she mentioned something about God. And this is where I messed up. I wrote back to her and mentioned that her faith is inspiring (especially for someone who isn’t very religious) and I’m not sure how she does it. I also told her that I had lost my faith in God when I was 18 and then went on to say a bunch of other things, all with good intentions and  just trying to empathize with her. Of course I can’t read tone through Instagram but I got the feeling that I shouldn’t have said that. I never meant it to come across badly, as a matter of fact I meant it like “hey, you’re inspiring me to turn to God more”. However, I have this feeling like “oooof, why did I say that?”

I guess it’s hard for me to realize how much people actually worship God because that’s not who I am. Her response was not rude at all. She basically mentioned that she knows how much God loves her, that he listens to my prayers, he hasn’t given up on me and a few other things about God receiving her baby. And I could 100% be making something up in my head, but I wanted (still want) so badly to message her again and apologize for saying that, but Im not going to, not now atleast. This is where my empathy gets the best and worst of me. I’ll lose sleep over this and wondering if I said something wrong to this poor mother for days.

I did message her back with a short “You’re amazing” and she just responded with “I’m not… he is”. And like I said for someone who isn’t very religious it was hard for me hear her say that. I just wanted to compliment her but she truly gives all of herself and praises to God. It’s admirable in a way, but just something I am not used to and I just can’t wrap my head around. I really hope that I am over analyzing this whole situation. She did thank me and was very kind, but I just have that feeling, ya know. And now Im left with myself and my thoughts, wondering if I offended her… it sucks. I thought I was doing the right thing but I think I just said too much and sometimes its hard to interpret meaning over the internet.

I hope if you’re religious you aren’t taking this the wrong way. Like I said I admire this mother. She is pouring every ounce of whatever energy she has left into her God and I’m honestly blown away by it. To me that takes strength. I just don’t understand it though but it isn’t for me to understand.

As I’m writing this I’m actually starting to question if this post was ever really about feeling like I messed up, or if it’s really about my own insecurities and doubts when it comes to God. I really hope I’m not offending anyone because that’s the last thing I would ever want to do. In a way I wish I could pour myself into a religion and trust that there is a higher power, but as of right now… I don’t.

Who knows…maybe one day I’ll come around and I will just understand.

Thank you for reading.

♥ Amanda

 

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2 thoughts on “Trying To Understand God”

  1. I’m so sorry for the loss of her baby girl. But yes, her faith, even if it’s just the size of a grain of rice, or salt or mustard seed, it’s coming alive even more so now then ever before. She has complete confidence that her baby girl is sitting with her father, Jesus Christ. That’s where she finds solace during this difficult time. And this kind gesture in your part to reach out to her, when your intentions were to help her, has actually helped you more than it did to her. Gods with you, even when you doubt, when you push, when you scream and kick for Him to leave. He’s merciful and knows our weaknesses but He also knows our hearts, and YOU have a great one!

    Liked by 1 person

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